Things I just Don’t Get

Aside from the normal things my brain can’t seem to comprehend, I just don’t get some things. I’m going to share my “I don’t get” list with you because maybe you can shed some light on them.

1. Skinny Jeans. One question. Why? Why would you want to paint on a pair of jeans and then peel them off? These are definitely not “get laid” jeans. You and your date would pass out from alcohol before these suckers came off. Then again, it’s probably the most natural birth control I’ve seen to date. Now I know some of you are probably saying, “What? Girl, you gotta get your skinny on?” But a) there’s nothing skinny about me, and b) why would I want to feel all my innards sucked up into my neck? This has been a huge problem for me living in Germany because I’ve been on a search for non-skinny jeans since I moved here. Luckily for me, C&A started selling boyfriend’s jeans. Thank you, Denim Gods!

The last time I wore tight jeans was in junior high. I’d prepare to put on my Vidal Sassoon or Gloria Vanderbilt jeans by placing a wire hanger on the bed. I would slip into each leg, do the jig as each pants leg crept up, and then the finale. I’d fall back on the bed, slip the top of the wire hanger into the zipper hole, suck in with all my might and pull. Once I got the zipper up, I’d roll to the side of the bed to stand, and then find a shirt to hide my muffin top.

That’s the last time I tried a mid-body suffocation. As this video shows, time is of the essence, and you skinny jean people are wasting it.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHAp-VxBCoY]

2. Butt Implants. Hello? I’m trying to lose weight, not add it on. Let’s face it, majority of women would like to change something about their body. Maybe some want bigger boobs, smaller hips, smaller calves, or tiny waists… but a BIG BUTT? I don’t need implants to get the job done. Just put me in front of pastries and homemade bread. You’ll be able to park a semi-truck under the shadow of my ass. If this isn’t convincing enough, just check out the below video of butt implant gone bad. It’s not for the faint of heart.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhbMRobhBuI]

And for those skinny jeans people, you won’t be able to fit that booty in afterwards. You’d have to give your skinny jeans to the anorexic models, who are using them as leg warmers.

3. Boot Sandals. Which brings me to this insane idea—boot sandals. For the indecisive, I might add. I think a Libra created the boot sandal because they couldn’t figure out which one they wanted to wear.

Aside from the uncertainty of what to wear, they’re also ugly. I mean, come on, is it summer of winter? If it’s summer, do I really want my ankles to remain cocaine white while the rest of me turns red? And I don’t want to wear these in winter. My toesies will get frostbite and I sure as hell am not risking amputation for the sake of fad.

4. #Hashtag. Leave it to some techy to label and group things together. As if our world isn’t in enough chaos, now we need to label and group things and people for order. Pretty soon, we’ll start talking in hashtag. #pottymouthvideo

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57dzaMaouXA]

Then, while we’re talking, we’ll be putting people in groups, like the #coolkids go over here, the #fatties over there, and the #notpartofthecoolkidsgroupbutunique here. This is also a good time for me to point out that the # sign is the pound sign to abbreviate pounds. I don’t know about you, but I think this is a subliminal message.

If you thought I was kidding about labeling, here’s the first link to #coolkids – https://twitter.com/hashtag/coolkids, and then #fatties – https://twitter.com/hashtag/fatties. Honestly, I just picked those hashtags as a joke. I had no idea there were actual twitter group labels of this sort. This is a social injustice! I want #washington to #takeaway the #hashtag and replace with *thestar, so *everyone can feel *important.

What things don’t you get?

Things that make me go Hmmm and Boycott,
Baer Necessities